I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
