No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
