He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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