just tell him i said nine months
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
