dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
