Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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