I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
