Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
