i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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