you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
