i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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