No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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