Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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