Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
