Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
