Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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