the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
