I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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