and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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