went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
