Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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