is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So. Much. Porn.
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