Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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