who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
