What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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