I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
