so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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