no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Who died my cat blue again?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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