i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
