At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
