She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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