I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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