I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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