Who did Billy Mays play for?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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