GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
