if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
