you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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