remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there's paper in my vomit.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
