If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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