I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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