so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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