I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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