The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
