cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
