3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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