It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
