3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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