I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
