Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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