doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
