I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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