Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize