Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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