i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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