Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
