for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
