When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
