then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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