I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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