Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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