Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
