Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
